


Dollhouse, The

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-07-31
Updated: 1998-07-31
Packaged: 2018-11-20 08:08:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11331813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Anatomically incorrect Mdoll/Kdoll slash, with Babylon 5 references.





	Dollhouse, The

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

The Dollhouse by Woodinat

2 Apr 1998  
Even for me, this one's weird. It came to me when I heard that a certain doll manufacturing company is planning to market Mulder and Scully dolls sometime in the summer. So picture it as anatomically incorrect Mdoll/Kdoll slash, with unnecessary Babylon 5 references. Takes place after Terma, but no other X Files spoilers. Very mild spoilers for season five of Babylon 5.  
Rating: NC-17. Fly away kiddies! Fly away homophobes!  
Disclaimer: All things X Files belong to Chris Carter and 1013. All things Babylon five belong to JMS. All things doll-related belong to certain company, but if I even mention its name, I'll get sued.  
Send feedback, death threats, and childhood reminisces to 

* * *

The Dollhouse  
by Woodinat

\-----------------------------------------------------

The underage workers were finally allowed to go home, and the factory floor was silent. The X Files doll line was complete, and the finished product looked completely unlike the characters, but Ultra-Angst Mulder didn't mind.

"Wow, Scully, I don't remember you being this stacked since 'One Breath'."

"Shut up, dickless wonder," Hooters Scully hissed. Or tried to, since her mouth was permanently closed. Mulder still heard her words, though.

"You just had to mention that I'm not anatomically correct, didn't you? I'm a walking illustration of the castration complex."

"I hear you," said a voice from the corner.

Mulder turned his head, which fortunately had the ability to turn 360 degrees, and saw a figure dressed in a stunning purple jacket, with the biggest hair he had ever seen. The box for the doll indicated that the model was Touched By Shadows Londo Mollari. <Oh, the Babylon 5 collection. Wonder where the Garibaldi doll is. He's cute> thought Mulder.

Londo continued, "They replicated everything about me. My hair, my clothing, everything, but they couldn't include my *attributes*! Do you know how embarrassing it is to be the only Centauri without multiple genitalia? Once they make the Morden and His Associates doll, I shall take vengeance on them all."

Mulder nodded in sympathy, which was really difficult since his stiff head didn't allow for up-and-down action. Something to do with how thick his neck was. He really disliked his head, especially his plastic hair. Why Scully got long red hair and he just got brown paint puzzled him. Did they run out of hair? Of course, they may have had some to spare if they hadn't made her hair waist length. A sound from behind him brought him back to the here and now.

"Krycek!" Or rather, Ratboy Krycek, Now With Detachable Prosthetic Arm. The Ratdoll was looking rather hot. Mulder noted with jealousy that the workers had fitted him with real fluttery lashes, brilliant green eyes, and the coolest leather jacket. All Mulder had was a cheap suit with a boring tie.

"Stupid-ass haircut," observed Krycek.

"Said the kettle to the pot," replied Mulder, indicating Krycek's painted-on Tunguska/Terma hair.

"Missing something, Mulder?" asked Smartass Krycek.

"Not funny, Krycek. Anyway, you're in the same situation. Unless if they added something else with the eyelashes."

"Nah, Mulder, I'm the same. They didn't even give me nipples. Can't have nipple rings without nipples. But," he said, walking over to Mulder, "we have something left." He kissed Mulder on the mouth. It felt strange to do so without a tongue, but it still felt good.

"What?" asked Mulder through the kiss. Strange how he could still talk with Krycek with their lips pressed together. But then, as a doll, he didn't need air.

"We. Have. Friction." Krycek started to pull off Mulder's suit jacket. "Why did they give you such a boring tie?"

"Noooooooooooooooo!"

Krycek pulled back. "What's wrong, Mulder?"

Mulder regained his composure. "Sorry. I should've told you, I'm the new Talking Angst Mulder. You accidentally pressed my button."

Krycek moved his plastic hands to Mulder's pants. "I guess I'll just have to press the *right* buttons."

As Talking Angst Mulder and Prosthetic Arm Krycek stripped each other naked and started to gyrate, Wonderbra Scully wandered off. She was pissed off, for various reasons. Aside from the bad boob job, she hated the fact that her feet were permanently arched in the high heels position. It made walking very uncomfortable. She faintly heard Krycek shout "Fuck! My arm fell off again!", but ignored it. She stopped near a collection of old doll boxes and dream house sets.

"Well, hello there."

Scully turned to see a woman with long brown hair, dressed in some strange uniform. She realized that it was the No Longer On the Series Susan Ivanova from the Babylon 5 collection. The doll used to be called Ivanova Is God, but the character left the series, and the manufacturers discontinued the doll. A pity, since the Ivanova doll was so attractive.

Ivanova looked up and down at Scully. "Impressive chest. Do you have problems walking?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. Why am I so out of proportion?"

"Most dolls made from this company are like that. Eventually you get used to it. I'm lucky, since the creator of my show insisted that I be accurate. I guess your show's creator was too busy surfing to give input. Oh, well, at least you look hot."

"You think so?" asked Scully, "I was wondering about that since Mulder and Krycek started on each other the minute they got out of their boxes."

"Oh yes, very hot," said Ivanova, stroking Scully's arm suggestively. Another doll, with proportions similar to Scully's, walked up and joined the couple.

"Hey, aren't you--"

"Don't say it, Scully, or we'll get sued," said the newcomer, who had long black hair.

"I thought you had only blonde hair," murmured Scully under Ivanova's kiss.

"Actually, I come in many hair colors now," she said, caressing Scully's hair, "even red." She kissed Scully's throat.

"I met her one night when I was wondering around. The Sinclair, Garibaldi, and Sheridan dolls were all getting it on, and I was bored," Ivanova said, "If only the manufacturers knew what their All-American model, astronaut, doctor, etc, really was like."

Scully let the two dolls strip her naked. "So, what's next?" she asked.

The other dolls replied in unison:

"Friction!"

THE END


End file.
